‘The very deep downs and the super high highs’ (23rd Sept - 6th Oct)
as my star sister Sterre Kadek Bintang put it so beautifully in her amazing hand written
letter. And indeed the past two weeks had some super intense energies putting
us under pressure for more integration.
I almost
got hit by a bus, a truck and two cars and at the same
time got the most amazing healing sessions from some of my closest soul sisters
and incredible quality times with my soul family. Especially the first, and the
last bits of this blog about them are really valuable reads.
After a break up the rain is gone
Let me jump
right in the middle of my story with an incredible inner process the Super New
Moon in Libra brought me 28th Sept. I had a dream about it just 2 nights prior
the event. So often healing the pain of loosing my partner feels like healing
the pain of loosing myself so I can come back home to my core again and again. The
pain of separation… is both ways.
My amazing
healer Soul Sister Pernille Caura Euwyn is holding space for me to guide me
back home to mySelf. Many times it’s difficult even in front of soul family to
break down and cry. You want to be seen and you want to hide. You want to be
heard and you want to stay quiet. You want connection and you feel so
vulnerable to ask for it. In front of Caura it’s easy to break down and cry,
she is home to me. I’m always so amazed how much light there is in the
darkness, how much beauty in the pain. Myriad of light beings light up the
inner darkness as they gather to witness my inner homecoming process.
My Sister
Caura guides me: “what was the first
time you felt incomplete and not whole?” I see myself as a 3 or 4-year-old. At
first she is sitting and not looking towards me. I’m there with her. Asking her
to show the part of me who needs to be integrated; and so I’m integrating my wounded masculine aspect who feels insecure,
shy, not good enough, weak, lost, addicted, vulnerable, full of fear. I see the
images of my father and brother. So much vibration on the right side of my
body.
And yet
again I witness the most magical wonder as I allow the integration. My inner child grows into standing
strong in his/her power and asks me to be honest with myself each time of how I
feel, what my needs and desires are. (S)he asks me to be honest and communicate
clearly. The divine masculine qualities.. (S)he asks me to stay true to myself.
My Sister Caura is asking me: can you promise her you’ll do that? And I can’t.
I’m afraid that if I speak my truth, I’m loosing people.
So we go deeper. I see myself as a two-year-old. I’m loosing my mother for 2 months as she is taken to the hospital after a very serious injury. I’m there with myself as a child. She is numbed from the amount of anxiety, paralyzed by the fear of being left alone and frozen into powerlessness. She can neither move nor look at me. I’m there with her. It’s painful to witness, she asks me to stop asking myself how long it’s gonna take for me to feel relief. I’m waiting with unconditional presence.
After a
while she turns towards me. I cannot take her to my Safe Haven because I don’t
feel safe there. It’s incredibly important to acknowledge for myself that I
don’t feel safe anywhere in this world or beyond. Because I don’t feel safe
within myself. I cannot trust myself to capitalize on my own best interest, to
be honest with myself, to stay true to myself and communicate clearly. Becoming
aware of this again and again, accepting it is the key… however painful it is
to admit to yourself. I can see that when I was a child, or in other lives when
I spoke my truth, wanted to stay true to myself and stand up for myself I got
punished and humiliated. And I was abandoned.
I look at my 2 year old little inner girl again and tell her that I’m afraid if I have her and stay true to our core there is no space for others in my life. How can I have myself and others too? So she blows my mind again as she expands the space within me. It feels like there is not just space for Her when I stay true to Her, not just for my Soul Family, but for the entire world. Incredible experience with the healed and whole inner child who is my Heart and Soul. How many times can my mind be blown… She is so young and tiny and so old full of wisdom and so spacious at the same time. It strikes me each time how calm and centered she is, neither too much laughing nor crying in pain. Calm and centered. She is a sage. She is a fairy & a dolphin, and the whale and fox at the same time. I choose you. You are my home within me, my soul family and Gaia is my home outside of me.
Sister
Caura Euwyn asks me again if I can promise my inner child to stay true to Her…
What I can genuinely promise is to journal about it each time I can’t to create
awareness and come back home to Her again and again. My Sister says ‘hiding is
painful’ and it was a blessing to witness my process of authenticity…what can I
say? How grateful can I be to my sister for holding space for me for such a
powerful, magnificent process? And I just remember my question from the beginning
of the process. Why are we here again? For Gaia, for each other, for ourselves,
for humanity, for our soul family, for Greta, ‘so she is not alone’, as Sister
Euwyn says we bring the magic from Home. We are all coming back home together
with Gaia.
More pressure for integration around boundaries, the chronic fatigue, being attached – letting go and flow
These
transformational times always trigger my boundary issues too. What is a yes and what is a no? How much can I
carry for others and when to ask for help to be carried? I’m not only receiving
healing from soul family during these two weeks but also holding space for
others to go through their processes. Do I allow myself to rest and integrate my
healing or am I pushing myself too much to be there for others? I really have
the tendency to offer help right away without checking in with my body, just
wanting to give and give. I know that I’m
quite sensitive but during times likes these it feels like I’m extra prone to
pick up on all kinds of vibes. So one day the familiar feeling of chronic
fatigue really hits me, I cannot move my legs and arms, I cannot get out of
bed. I seriously need to rest but my mind doesn’t want me to, keeps reminding
me of all the things I need to do. I negotiate with her that in case she doesn’t
allow my body to rest there will be no more list of things to do for her
whatsoever as I’m simply gonna pass out :D As my soul sister reminds me: self
love girl, self love.
But again
on a more serious note, during these times of intense energies and increased
pressure I make sure that I get to dance, that I make it to yoga classes and
listen to wonderful calming mantras. I love the tanra kriya yoga classes with
Mikkel, I’m breathing out the insecure thoughts swirling in my head and lose
myself in the otherworldly tunes of the Medicine Buddha Mantra mix by Maneesh
de Moor. (link at the end of the post) During the ecstatic dance this time I dance with my
sadness, still I get comments how I look like a flower, how the whole
sharing circle relaxes with me, oh wow, gratitude.
What also
really really helps is to spend time alone in nature totally offline; breathing
deeply, journaling for self reflection and doing the fear hugging process which
often helps me to crack up to laughter remembering how funny and small my fears
can be. I’m spending as much time out in nature as I can, in the park, on the
beach, in the forest. Laying on the ground and the soil also helps me immensely:
connecting with Gaia, feeling how the heaviness is leaving my body, how the
energy flows between us, I feel so
blessed..
On one of
the most stressful days when so much tension was building up in my body the
letter from my Star Soul Sister Sterre really saved my day. All the love and
caring flowing from her wonderful handwritten piece of art totally cracked my
heart open so I could just break down and cry, sitting under a lovely tree I
got so much relief, peace and gratitude in my heart. Even now as I write it I’m
tearing up how much I love her and how grateful I am for our connection. How
she helped me in such magical ways..
Another
critical day when so much stress accumulated in me I biked out to the nature
area at the southmost tip of Copenhagen and screamed from the top of my lungs
in the open fields. Luckily not so many people were around but those who were I
hope felt liberated to do the same if they wanted to. In any case letting the
screams out also gave me so much relief, I just layed down next to the small
road and was amazed to feel how my root chakra opened right away. I again felt
so much calmness, peace, gratitude and JOY, it’s so incredible to witness how I
keep coming back to mySelf again and again. Thank you Life for all your
challenges and beauties….
Another
amazing way to let go of tension and come home within is to spend time with my
soul family preferably out in nature, fall is really my favourite season. Once again it makes me
feel incredibly peaceful, grounded, full of joy, love and gratitude. And as my
soul sisters also put it their presence, encouragement, support and the energy
boost we receive from each other makes us feel invincible.
Further on
with the splits inside of me: to plan and to be attached to an appointment or
to let go and flow? The past two weeks had examples for all these different
kinds of scenarios with my lovely Danish soul family. I so wanted to give a
massage to one of my closest soul sisters but life flew differently and I had
to let go. I so wanted to hang out with and give massage to one of my soul
brothers but life flew differently so it partly happened, partly not. While I
was waiting for him to arrive later as planned I took selfies which I usually
never do. It was amazing to see the sparkle in my eyes, how much joy, love and
freedom I feel as my soul is with me. A massage and reiki healing exchange with
another soul sister went according to plan and excelled all of my hopes for our
time together. And as a huge gift from the Universe another of my very close
soul sisters offered an intuitive healing session ‘out of the blue’. I so
prayed to connect with her before she leaves and her soul heard it.
Reiki healing from Lovely Line
Line is
such a wonderful angel soul sister with so much beauty, wisdom and softness. We
feel safe and home with each other, even the vibe from our recorded conversation
feels so nurturing and touching. As she puts it there is so much love between
our souls. She is so in tune with me when giving the reiki healing, we are
blown away by the co-created energies. She feels how I carry so much on my
back, how my lower chakras need some loving healing, together with my liver, pancreas, kidneys, sacrum…I
know from past experiences how these organs of mine need extra care, she is
indeed a fantastic healer. We also talk
about it later how we should both practice to receive more and take care of our
energies, get enough rest and dance and flow like we do in Bali. J. She can also sense just like so
many of my soul family members that my energy is quite pure and sometimes bit
too open. J With
her I can be trusting and safe in our love bubble.
Intuitive healing from Michelle Moon Saia Maya
It’s hard to describe
who Michelle Moon is to me and to this World. She is just too amazing with all
the magic, love, joy, life, childlike nature, light, wisdom, depth, kindnesss, caring, softness, Divine Feminine and Godddes Mother she has in her being. She has the gift to see who you truly are and liberates you to embody your true essence. How powerful is that…. She is an amazing multipotentialite, an incredibly inspiring artist, amazing dancer, gently powerful healer and priestess, cannot even list all the awesomeness she embodies....
We have a
strong connection and dare to say quite similar energy signatures with her.
When we share the space it’s nearly impossible to put in words what we feel…
it’s the happiest tears of reunion and finding home and peace in super high
vibrational way. I think of something and she says it out loud, she thinks of
something and I say it out. It’s the kind of mind-blowing magic. When she gave
the intuitive healing to me as soon as I felt an energy moving somewhere in my
body her hand was right there in a second. She spoke a language we both knew
from other lives. In fact she downloaded that we were actually sisters in India
in another life. I’m telling her that I think I’m clairvoyant and she declares
right away: ‘Yes you are.’ Around her I see the light beings even with open
eyes. She actually opens my third eye to such extent that 3 days in a row every
morning I wake up I get to watch the Universe dancing with my mind’s eye, the
fractals, mosaic, archetypal images…
When I look
at her it’s like when I saw my inner child during the healing with Caura Euwyn.
I see this little two year old girl with the wisdom and the depth of a sage as
I look into her eyes… After I go home from her place I cannot fall asleep for
quite some time thanks to our super high frequencies we co-created. I just keep
looking at her pictures, art, watching her videos, reading her sharing… and I
have so much genuinely joyful tears in my eyes, she is the dancer I always
wanted to become, the incredibly beautiful embodiment of the Divine Feminine
Goddess I always dreamt to shine thru. My Sisters create so much magic in this
world! I feel so much love and gratitude: Caura Euwyn and Saia Maya are the Sun
and the Moon and Liya Maya hopes to be their little sistar. 😊
photo credits to Michelle Moon, Pernille Caura, Line and Sterre
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggPf3aOFJFk
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