My long month in Bali which went incredibly fast like a scary awesome roller coaster ride :D (August 2019)
I’m on my way to
Mother Bali, and just like in 2018, this year Queen accompanies me again.:D
I
remember how I was singing ‘I want to break free’ throughout my whole
7-month-long trip last year and this time I got to watch Bohemian Rhapsody two
times on the plane. :D Once on the flight to Dubai, and then again on my next
flight to Singapore. Queen’s music touches my heart so deeply and at the same
time lifts my spirit up so high. I board my last flight from Singapore to
Denpasar and as we get closer I feel the Mother Island pulling me, she is such
a vortex indeed. It really makes me cry how much I missed Her. It feels like
coming home when I get to my familiar neighbourhood in Ubud and reconnect with
the local flora and fauna: the giant butterflies, the geckos, the bats at dawn,
the mesmerizing songs of the birds, the palm trees full of coconuts, the banana
plants and Seli, my red fox husky doggy.
For me, being in
Bali is very intense: right away I feel so much vibration in the left, feminine
side of my body. My intuition kicks in so strongly and I feel an incredible
pressure to follow my heart and face my fears. From day one I felt a very
strong urge to look for a conscious eco community and already on the second day
of my stay I’m at a seed planting workshop with Malaika, asking her and
everyone about local communities. This is something that has been on my heart
for quite some time. I come home to read a post on Facebook, from my wonderful
soul brother Jonathan Geesing, on a project called Starbloom and the collective
desire of the starseeds to live in conscious communities in symbiosis with
nature. Haha, Life and how we are weaving our collective story is just freakin’
magical. :)
I reconnect with
Iris, Sterre, Dóri and Pete, my lovely friends from last year; revisit the places
I’ve been to and take Seli for her first 2019 walk with me to the rice field.
She is undoubtedly in love with Pete but doesn’t remember me right away :D,
though later her memories come back when I give her a bath and get her some
babi guling, which is roasted piglet. :D I also catch up with Shintia, my super
lovely Balinese friend and the ladies from Java, Hamida, Surya, Sus and
Maimuna, working in the garden of the Bali Classic Center. I’m so happy that
they are on board with receiving massages from me during my stay. :) Bali and the
local culture is always reminding me how serving others comes first and teaches
gratitude, patience and humbleness.
One week into my
stay I’m attending the full day Shambala festival at Akasha, New Earth Haven
with movement medicine, contact impro and the absolute favourite breathwork
workshop; as I keep asking around about conscious eco-communities. I meet Loto
from Spain who is an awesome heart-based coach and mentor with wonderful calm
and loving energy. He tells me about a start-up project on Sumbawa, 2 islands
away from Bali and about his plans to travel there in 4 four days with some
other people to visit the land and the team behind the initiative. Surprise,
surprise four days later I also find myself on a plane,
in a car through Lombok and on a fast boat to Sumbawa together with the others.
Well, cool shit like this happens when you just follow your heart and go with
the flow while your mind is trying to catch up with what the heck is going on :D
If I say that
being in Bali is intense for me then I have to multiple that with 10 when being
in Sumbawa. Already on the way there I feel like turning back 3 times as
massive anxieties come up: I’m fully aware that this trip will change my life
and put me on a life path my soul strongly pulls me to experience. How did I
deal with the anxieties? By saying them out loud, breathing slow and deep, and
spending time on my own to come back to my core and to find peace within. I’ll
try to explain a bit more how it feels for me to be on these islands. It’s like
being constantly on ayahuasca or shrooms or other lovely plant medicines :D
that make your senses super heightened and your perceptions super sensitive of
your surroundings. Except for that, in this case, the energies of these vortex
places do the trick and no substance or breathwork is needed to get into such a
state.
In Bali I feel
the vibration in my body constantly, feeling more intuitive, and receiving
downloads and insights. I usually wake up at 3am in the night feeling the whole
Milky Way swirling inside of me. In Sumbawa I barely slept and when I did, I
was constantly in lucid dreams seeing people disappearing into portals,
watching rainbow orbs, interacting with chimera like beings, getting visions of
hybrids visiting the land, feeling Gaia’s body moving with the earthquakes or
walking outside in the middle of the night, on the beach, under the full moon
tuning into this Creation.
The day after
I’m back in Bali and we are going into the total lunar eclipse in
Capricorn….’oh Lord, have mercy on us’. That celestial event brought up
something really unexpected, yet totally understandable, considering that I’m
on the Mother Island and Luna is representing my inner child… the next, deeper
layer of my mother wound. I find myself in the middle of the night, sitting on
tiled floor, just like Liz Gilbert on the bathroom floor and it’s hitting hard
home, what I thank my human mother. My mum had a really tough and challenging
life, she has worked her ass off to build a home for us and give a life she
could only dream of; years upon years of dedicated hard work. She is a true
Virgo of grounded service and Saturn with Capricorn are really hard on me: have
I thanked my mother enough for her support?
I recall how
much I have pushed her away, criticised and misunderstood her, but now I
integrate with gratitude how much I have her to thank for being my springboard
to move to Denmark back then, and this time to Bali, how she was my springboard
to come into Life really. I love how my teacher says that the children are the
manifestations of their parents’ desires. And I believe I really embody the
freedom and joy she was desiring throughout her life and I’m desiring peace and
love for my future children.
After these deep
and strong realisations I actually reach out to her and we spend hours on the
phone healing more and more of the wounded relationship between the two of us.
I thank her from the depths of my heart for her lifelong support and pay my
respect to her. In return she opens up to me like never before: how she regrets
that she couldn’t be emotionally there for us and give the warmth we so longed
for when me and my brother were children.
How she thinks I’ve always been such a good child and is amazed how I
love to do healing work, how I pick up on vibes and have insights…It blows my
mind that she can actually see who I am. I happily conclude that the family
constellation we did with the girls back in Denmark has yielded results. :D
Life indeed works in fantastically mysterious ways.
Post eclipse,
the energies are still working strong with me around the theme of motherhood.
As usual my eyes pop open in the middle of the night at 3am. I feel how my
higher self is with me and I expand, and can feel how the whole galaxy is
swirling inside of me. I feel my heart and my womb, and how the Divine Femine,
Goddess Mother energy is moving through me. A familiar vision is emerging from
my heart and womb, I see my husband and son surrounded by beautiful nature and
my whole being is totally filled with the richest LOVE. At the same time I feel the split inside of
me again, how a part of me just really wants to prove herself that I can make
it on my own while I feel this deep, deep desire of my soul and womanhood to
have family. And there are so many different ways I could choose, so many paths
to take, if I just wanted to focus on helping others. And so many fears arising
around having a family…
So I start
watching ‘Loto’s fear-hugging workshop’ and journal down each of the fears as
they come up: fear of commitment, fear of sacrifice, fear of change, fear of
not being able to be a good partner and mother… and so the fears around the
other path come up: fear of long, hard work and struggle, fear of having to do
it all on my own, fear of not making it.. And at the core of my being there is
the knowing how true it is that with commitment comes great freedom, that I’m
more than just good enough, how service to others is so effortless and gives so
much joy, how I can create and grow with others with love.
I’m blessed to
get a private session with Loto in BitterSweet café, where we look into the ‘5
layers of why’ surrounding all these different desires; of having a family,
living in a conscious eco community, helping others remember who we are….and I
get reminded again by my soul of a very important realisation I had before.
Whatever I do, however I decide, I should always create from the place of
peaceful and calm contentment. When I go deeper and deeper within myself and
arrive to my grounded joy I then feel so much peace and contentment, and I know
I’m home within myself. Everything is
energy; if you set something in motion from a place of fear, anxiety and
stress, chances are good you are in for a bumpy ride. xD On the other hand,
Loto is also a living example of this calm, peaceful, loving vibe and has a
very soothing presence. So many of us though, are running around like crazy
headless chickens.
We also look
into why I have this fascination with Bali. Again digging deeper and deeper I
find that this place makes me feel so alive. Most of my life I felt so dead,
not knowing the meaning, the purpose of my existence, everything felt just so
pointless and dull. But this island, just like other high energy places I
visited, really did something for me; they shook me up. Here I feel everything
so intensely all the time, the joy, the pain, the peace, the sadness, the lightness,
the heaviness, the fears, the triggers, the love. I know who I am at my core
and observe how anger, rage and resentment move through me. Not to mention all
the insights, visions, dreams, downloads, inspirations and intuition flowing
in; life here is more like a movie. Can I experience these states elsewhere
too? Certainly, but here more constantly and intensely.
This all sounds
nice but, here comes a small disclaimer. If you are sensitive, you are really
in for a ‘curveball retreat’ and an intense roller coaster ride, as Bali rips
you off your fears in not the most gentle way. At least that's my experience with Her. She also makes decisions for you
and you have to act fast when the inspiration and opportunities come. It’s
recommended to be extra aware and conscious of your thoughts, energy and how
they create your reality, as manifestation goes much faster. A cute example
is: when I started to stress about not
having enough drinking water in the tank, I forgot about the tea boiling on the
stove, until all the water had evaporated and then shortly afterwards I broke
my glass bottle full of water – all within 10 mins. Thank you Bali Ma, got the
message: if lack is what you focus on then lack is what you’re gonna experience
;) So you might as well focus on some positive shit you want to show up in your
reality.
I also had to
make sure to get some writing and recording done as it’s so easy to get spaced
out, just being and going from one event to the other once you are sucked into
the Ubud conscious community vortex. :D One night when I’m awake at 3am as
usual, the galaxy swirling inside of me, my fears are right there just waiting
for my attention: they whisper, talk and scream at me again and again that ‘I’m
not gonna make it’. Here we go, the usual stuff, what does this mean anyway? If
I’m not gonna make it: does it mean that I won’t be successful? That I will
barely be able to sustain myself? That I will actually die in a very ugly,
gruesome way? Yeah, I think in my case all 3 of these, is truly an existential
fear for me.
So, I start
hugging my fear that ‘I won’t make it’ and pretty quickly comes the relief, as
the fear dissolves. I remember, again, my ayahuasca experience, how my fears
were so small and funny around me, they just couldn’t come anywhere near me,
let alone touch me. Then I want to start
writing and recording and my fears come up around that: ‘what’s the point of
all this? does it matter at all what I say?’ So I face my fears again: ‘no it
doesn’t matter what I say’, ‘there’s no point’ ,‘nothing really matters, love is
all we need’ :D yet I’m still gonna write and record, what’s more, even do a FB
live about this because it’s fun and I grow from it and it’s about human
connection and peace, love and rock’n’roll :D On the 25th of July I
wake up with incredible heaviness in my body and the feelings and thoughts of
just wanting to die. Yay, great, awesome. Doing a FB live about that too in the
name of vulnerability and authenticity. Observing who are the ones reacting and
how. I love all these learning experiences and later on I also hear how that
was the first day of the lion’s gate portal and apparently all these sensations
of heaviness were pretty mainstream. I
ask the Sirian beings every day for 2 weeks to assist with anchoring the next
available highest frequencies into my body and I viscerally feel it every time
they do it. Being present with whatever comes up, whether fear, pain, triggers,
joy or in worst case scenario nothing. lol
I’ve had plenty of really wonderful moments from which I’d like to share a few more. Swasti Eco Cottages is one of my favourite places to hang out close to where I stay in Ubud. It’s a wonderful garden with wooden houses and serene vibes. Sitting by the fire in the evening, one of the alien looking Balinese kitties comes and sits on my chest right by my heart, constantly purring and calming me down. Taking Seli for walks to the rice field is great each time, however, one early morning the walk was particularly awesome. It was a beautiful sunrise, waterdrops on the rice plants everywhere, a giant rainbow across the sky, the ducks making that cute sound, the white heron birds chilling on the super chilled cows, Seli being the shark of the rice fields chasing all the lizards and wanting to grab a duck… The incredible amount of beauty of this Creation just cracks my heart open more and more. And I’m hugging my fears until the last sentence coming out my mouth is that I’m afraid there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore. :D Then I can start focusing on the next best step towards my desire one step at a time.
Reconnecting
with my local Balinese friend from last year and going for a walk in the rice
terraces has also been awesome. Most of the locals are pretty intuitive and he
says quite early into our talk, how he can sense that I’ve got something to do
with spirituality and healing work in many other lives I’ve lived, and I share
with him how I just recorded a video the afternoon before about my past lives,
guides and dreams. :D I always value these connections, so much, with people
who I can trust and can let my guard down around. Ah, ok Mother Bali I’m slowly waving bye to
you again. You asked me right at the beginning if I have what it takes to stay
here even longer this time and I chickened out right away. :D ‘No thanks, not
yet, I’m still getting ready to get ready but as I’m leaving You’re talking to
me again and You make sure I return so I will. But for sure from now on I will
not only tell everyone ‘yeah sure go to Bali, it’s amazing’ but also add: ‘and
good luck with that’! :D I think you’re in for an awesome scary roller coaster ride,
but if you stay on it long enough and survive, then chances are good that not
many other rides in this world will scare you any longer. Om swasti astu,
suksuma mawali, selamat hari raya galungan dan kuningan. :D
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